Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
