Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
We have started to decorate penises.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It all started with a game of naked twister.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
