dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
