Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
