We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
