I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
