You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
