Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We left the knife in your bed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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