You're completely useless in the revolution.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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