I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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