In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
