Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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