I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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