Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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