So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
