In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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