My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
