Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
