420 ftw
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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