Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
As shirtless as possible
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
