Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We are all done wearing pants today
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
