I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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