Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I am midnight drunk by noon
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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