Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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