Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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