im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
