Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
