Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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