i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize