is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
