yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the liver wants what the liver wants
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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