it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
