my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
