Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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