What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize