giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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