I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
