Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
