she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So much Jack, so little girl.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
