Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
