Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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