remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
