Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
