Your face is a jimmy john
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
