oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
