actually, I'm a sock model
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
