I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
