Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize