Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
