Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
