Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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