I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
