if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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