ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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