I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
