You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
