so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
