why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
