the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
