What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
